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rocket science [27 Mar 2012|01:56am]
[ mood | content ]

There are not enough words in my vocabulary to adequately describe the waves of ecstasy vibrating through my bones and up to my goosebumped skin. I noticed him on the first day of 8th grade, but I didn't talk to him, because I didn't really talk much to anybody. I didn't talk to him when he was lugging his gigantic band instrument through the halls, even though I stared at the back of his head all through Louisiana history class trying to dream up a way. I didn't talk to him after I saw more immature classmates giving him a hard time about all the things that I felt made him the most remarkable 13-year-old in our school. I didn't talk to him in high school when he was two rows over in Geometry Honors, but I appreciated the opportunity for occasional glances. I didn't talk to him but I noticed him and somehow I knew bits and pieces of his life. He liked baseball, golf, was better than me in science. I could have kept him chatting for hours with the information I gleaned. But I didn't talk to him, we graduated, and we went to different colleges. I met new friends that weren't from Walker High. I dated, and I made mistakes. I lived out stories that I wrote for myself. I assumed he did the same. We didn't meet again.

But I remembered him. I looked him up on facebook two years ago on some nostalgic morning. And he remembered me. And after two years of random chatting and texting and developing a fierce Scrabble rivalry, this weekend he visited me while he was in town, and I had my first face-to-face conversation with a man I have only ever been able to remember with longing. Longing that I could have not been so antisocial as a teenager. That I could have just started with "hi." That I had felt I had something to offer at the time, because I have always had a very intense kindness and infectious smile to offer.

He arrived, and we talked all night. We talked until six a.m., and I have never felt quite so happy to exchange words with anyone in my entire twenty-seven years on this planet. As the evening slipped by, we carefully colored in the mental outlines we held of each other, and the result was better than I ever could have fabricated in my teenage daydreams. And I know things are always changing and I cannot capture the moment in a bottle to sip at when I need it most. I cannot will him into feeling the same, and I cannot change the twelve years of virtually ignoring him by never sending so much as a smile towards his field of vision or offering even the most banal small talk. However, I am in utter awe of how easy and thrilling the exchanging of stories and smiles and laughter was and I can't decide. I can't decide if it was a mistake to let him walk by every day without making a peep, or if the better half of my years have been a carefully calculated prologue to the best night of my life. We agreed we were happy to finally be conversing, and I fell asleep content.

I invited him back on the day before his flight out to meet me at a friend's gathering. The day was beautiful and if anything is better than spending the entire day laughing hysterically at my best friend's house, it is doing the exact same thing with my childhood crush at my side. At the end of a long day, we were back at my house. After about five more hours of the bliss of being in his company, he kissed me, which is tricky, because once lips are involved, things start to go to hell. But they were his lips, the very same that produced the words that I waited over a decade to be directed towards me, and I could not resist them. I could not resist them because he lives hundreds of miles away and who knows what exact circumstances will have arisen by the time he is able return to me. I could not resist them because I had studied them for thousands of days, and the desire for them had become so strong I could not have moved an inch if I had tried. I have experienced many kisses, probably many more than I should have, and some are boring, some are uncomfortable, some are too wet, too dry, too deep, not deep enough. Some are unexpected, some are unwanted, and some are regretted. In his kisses was everything I have ever loved in a kiss, contained neatly in one precise package. And for hours I floated in a timeless haze, forgetting my age and how it started and how I would feel if it ended.

He is back in Florida now, and my life is back to its normal flow, but the surreality of the past few days lingers. I am the same independent anomaly as ever. And if I never see him again, if the world keeps up its trend of gradually increasing the miles between us, I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I effortlessly told him the things I did not have the courage to admit when my first opportunity passed, snowballing into a five-year soundproof barrier between us. I told him exactly who I am without leaving out the parts of which I am most ashamed. I told him exactly how it feels to have him in my life. I told him, and that is all I can do, and it is all I have wanted for fourteen years.

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[31 Dec 2009|01:21pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I finished a non-summer college semester for the first time without failing any classes on purpose. I got 4 A's on purpose, and a B on accident.

I don't think that deserves a reward, but at least I'm learning to trust myself.

Baby steps.

Happy new year.

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[04 Dec 2008|09:26pm]
[ mood | kitten as a cat ]

Dear little sister, love of my life,
You are way too special and important to worry about what others may do better than you.
The fear of failure too frequently prevents brilliant ideas from being put into action.

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[01 Jun 2008|07:01pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I suppose a post is in order, as it has been a year. I don't know how many of you still read this thing. I read it all the time, but I have a lot of free time and somehow feel at home staring blankly at a computer screen. (Yes, Greg, your computer is still working out lovely--though rather loudly. I can never thank you enough.)

Just moved out of the apartment with Jessica Rivet. I'm currently staying at the condo my boyfriend and his brother share while I attempt to find a pleasant new apartment. Aiming to move out at the first of July or August. It feels like home here, though, probably because I have spent more time here in the past year than at my own place.

I finished the independent study classes I was taking with A's in both. I signed up for two more, just for the heck of it. I can reapply to LSU whenever I wish, and be back in class as soon as January 2009. I can't lie, I am worried out of my mind about it. I am not very happy that most of the people I graduated high school with already have degrees. I'm not thrilled about being older than everyone in my classes. I'm still not confident in my ability to stick with a class and pull through with an A. I don't even know if my job will let me switch to nights when the time comes, or if I will be able to fit my school schedule into Tuesdays and Thursdays. But I suppose I have to try.

I am still terribly in love. I feel really vulnerable. What happens if he suddenly decides I am not worth the trouble? Or what if I am actually not enough trouble and he grows bored? I hope I don't have to deal with that, but if I do have to, I hope it is at a time very far from now.

I lose more people from my life than I am able to gather into my life.

I worry too much. About everything under the sun that I can think of. Sometimes I am glad that I am so shortsighted, because otherwise my worrying would be too much to bear.

My family is visiting on Thursday. I feel really useless without them around. I frequently wish I could move home, sit and sip sweet tea in the backyard again, play with my little sister, and laugh with my mom. If only they would find a place to call home.

My birthday is Sunday (the 8th). If any of you would like to spend any amount of time with me Friday though Sunday, I will be thrilled. Otherwise, I suppose I will see you when I see you.

I hope all of you are doing well.


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[26 Jun 2007|10:30am]
I know it's not a big move like leaving the state or something, but it's gotta be a start.

Fuck Cane's.
7 comments|post comment

[13 May 2007|03:43am]
I'm really not sure where I'm going, but the past year has been good for me despite what some people might think. I'm still not sure what I'm passionate enough about to study and do for the rest of my life. It's kind of hindering my progress a lot. But I'm getting by just fine and becoming more of the person I want to be. My attitude definitely improves a little every day. I'm still working out kinks, but otherwise I am flying smoothly.

I'm in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Absolutely no complaints, really. He is very kind and laid-back and easy to please and I am crazy about every aspect of his personality and appearance. I guess that's a very 1-month-of-dating thing to say, but he makes everything in my life feel right and manageable. Like it's not a big fucking joke, or like I'm not worthless for not living up to my potential at the moment. When I'm with him, I see the world as clearly as when I am alone. Like now. I have never looked at someone so directly, talked to someone so honestly, treated myself so much like a human being. It's amazing, and I didn't know guys like him existed. I really lucked out with this one, and I am not letting him go willingly. And as for the age thing, it really doesn't matter after all. He's a baby, and he's more mature than most of the people I have ever associated with. No drama, no paranoia. He's the kind of person I am not afraid to give my all to, and I trust him with my heart, which is something I don't know if I've ever done completely. I'm definitely very close to being hooked on this fella. Anyway, yeah. I have a lot to say about him, but I won't go on, because I'm sure whoever bothered to read this far gets the picture.

Jobs are okay. I am in the middle of a 70+ hour week. I still want to do NSO for Cane's this summer, but who knows if that will work out. They always give me the runaround at that store. It's not like I'm defective or incompetent. All of the problems that hold me back arose from not getting proper respect from some person or another. Not that I'm blaming. I wish I had the ability to take any situation and turn it into something good. I'm working on that skill every day... It's just, damn. Life should ease up on me a little and throw me something nice.

My independent study courses are just sitting around. I really need to get myself motivated on that. If I ever want to go back to LSU. I wish I could psych myself up more about that. I just wish I had a clue what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or even the rest of this month or year....

I'm moving over to Highland Village on East Boyd in a couple weeks. If you haven't seen me in a while, come check out the new place! Also, does anyone have experience in painting a room? Care to offer any tips?

Anyway, yeah. I love you guys so much. I hope you're all doing awesome.

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Project Sun, November 06 installment [(VERY) rough draft] [21 Nov 2006|06:23pm]
On days like this
I wonder
why you exist.

I miss you and
you shine so brilliantly
but...sometimes I forget
the implications of plummeting towards you.

Do I really need you?
There are false suns
for warmth
for growth
for illumination.

On days like this
you just shock my eyes
and distort my already hindered view.

And I wonder
on days like this,
something is always dying.
In this case, someone...

On days like this,
I remember her and
I might as well be composed of those
stupid crunchy leaves,
that flow of muddy rain,
the sun in my eyes that just
isn't warm enough to matter by now.

I wonder why
on days like this
at 3 a.m., even you are not enough.
I practice the lines I'll never say,
and my lack of will
mourns her vaguely
and mocks her completely.
On days like this, I don't even exist.
2 comments|post comment

echo [05 Nov 2006|02:16am]
And maybe the moment will move with me.
3 comments|post comment

[27 Nov 2005|04:23am]

I want to live where soul meets body
and let the sun wrap its arms around me
and bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
and feel, feel what it's like to be new
cuz in my head there's a Greyhound station
where I set my thoughts to far off destinations
so they may have a chance of finding a place
where they're far more suited than here
I cannot guess
what we'll discover
when we turn the dirt
with our palms cupped like shovels
but I know our filthy hands
can wash one another's
and not one speck will remain
I do believe it's true
that there are roads left in both of our shoes
but if the silence takes you
then I hope it takes me too
so brown eyes I'll hold you near
cuz you're the only song I want to hear
a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
where soul meets body
where soul meets body
where soul meets body
and I do believe it's true
that there are roads left in both of our shoes
but if the silence takes you
then I hope it takes me too
so brown eyes I'll hold you near
cuz you're the only song I want to hear
a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

I remember swingsets and sunshine and long walks and enjoying the wind and that damned green army jacket and smiling like I'm about to explode from happiness. I swear I'm gonna be singing that song to my grandchildren someday. I swear someday I'll get along with my roommate and we're gonna drive all the way to Houston listening to that song, and we're going to play a huge fucking game of chess while we're at it. And I swear, if I write in this lj anymore, I'll never remember the words. So goodbye everyone. I'll see you around town, or maybe I won't.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
3 comments|post comment

[19 Nov 2005|04:39am]
I'm feeling really short and out of shape lately, which isn't good considering what happened the last time I was feeling like this.

I wish I was a bank teller instead of a cashier/fry cook.

The following is the love song I'm singing for my new bed:
I’m so happy I could scream
And there’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be
Than here with you
It’s perfect
It’s all I ever wanted
Almost can’t believe that it’s for real

Yes, I hope we never part, dear bed.

I'm rooting for Michael Copon on But Can They Sing, by the way. Ouch.

Christ, working all evening when you're already low on sleep sucks majorly, and I'm officially ready to pass out now. 35 hours so far this week, a 10 or 12 hour shift tomorrow, and possibly a shift on Sunday. Oh, life, where have you gone? Oh, well. Timmy's got a martial arts test at 9 in the morning, so I'd better go rest up.

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anger management problems again? [10 Nov 2005|04:59am]
As I was handing out an order to the last car of the night tonight, a homeless guy was hovering around the drive-thru window picking up change and begging for something you couldn't quite hear, which I guess would be anything we were willing to give. He tried to talk to me, and I tried to close the sliding window, but he blocked it with his hand, and oh, God. I told him if he didn't leave, I would call the cops, and then I slammed his hand in the window attempting to close and lock it as I'm required to do at close. The people in the car who were preparing to drive away into the night looked at us with this horrified look on their faces.

I must have hurt his hand, and it must have been humiliating for him.
I cried for the next ten minutes because of this.

I really wish grown men wouldn't ask me for money. I work my ass of making slightly over minimum wage, and struggle to never have to rely on someone else to survive. I come from a dirt-poor family. I'm trying to earn a degree, make a life for myself, and save up so my little sister won't have to go through the same shit that I did, so that maybe I can help out my parents so they don't have to work right up until the day they die. I spend very freely if someone I care about is short on cash for lunch or something. But some old guy is wandering the streets asking for handouts? And just happened to have his hand in the wrong place after a stressful night of dealing with drunk drivers or stoners who are starving? I really don't know how to take all this. I don't know how to file it away into a neat little portion of my brain surrounded by rational thoughts. All I can feel is terrible about the whole thing.
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[02 Nov 2005|02:39am]
I feel a lot better having talked about all that. Thank you.
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[30 Oct 2005|04:30am]
Ah, the requisite game day post. Since I don't have a morning shift in a few hours, I decided it wouldn't be fun to stay up and drink until I have to be back at Cane's, like last weekend. Yeah, that was crazy. Good times, good times. Tonight was the night that wouldn't end, by the way. Instead of closing at 3 as normal, we stayed open an extra hour. Because of the whole daylight savings time thing. I don't know, it felt like forever. At one of the high points of the night, a guy walked in the front door dressed up as Mario, so I started loudly singing the original Mario Bros. theme, and the counter crew joined in and we kept the song going for about two minutes. I must say, we pretty much rocked. And we pretty much had the fastest game day close I have ever experienced, so everyone was out of there in no time.

A few notes about the past week:
  • I went to the Carlotta party last night with the roomie, and we had a pretty great time hanging out with the coolest kids that I know.
  • Because I took off Friday night, I'm only going to end up with about 33 hours this week, a drastic change from the recent 50-hour weeks. Alas, my next paycheck isn't going to be quite as loaded as usual, as I am also missing a Thursday this upcoming week for the Trapt show.
  • Went to the mall twice this week, and that makes me feel way too trendy. I'm addicted to Aeropostale these days, but don't tell anybody.

    By the way, I need a bed before the week of Thanksgiving, so if you know anybody looking to sell a fairly nice used bed for a reasonable price(i.e., in the $100-$300 range), let me know.

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    [25 Oct 2005|02:04am]
    Third home game day of the season was really fun. I worked chicken for a little while, then I...don't really remember what I was doing after that. Then I had a break and sat alone in front of some random building on campus, called my parents and the main man, and then went back to work. I was supposed to work drive-thru with Ox, but I sort of stole it away from him, and he ran orders the whole night. We had all the positions extremely defined; it was great. And I had a freaking blast on drive thru, and I'm never looking back to a time when I didn't have a blast.

    I talked to Wayne and the district manager about transferring, and I think by the end of the year I may be moving over to Cane's 2 on Lee. We'll see. I think I'll miss everybody a lot more than they'll miss me, but hey. It's all part of learning, right?

    Yeah, I don't think it's wrong that all I write about lately is work. (I feel the need to rationalize. It will pass; I'm still in an uncomfortable, unpleasant, three-year-long freshman phase in my career.) And I don't think it's wrong that I want to be as far away from you and you and you as possible when you're being that friendly, when I know without a doubt that you have other motives. (No, I don't need to trade my man in for a better model. I love him, and he's the best I have ever known of. Back off, please.) And I don't think it's wrong to work as much as I need to, drink if I want to, or make new friends even though we can't spend enough quality time with each other already. (Please understand. I'm trying. If you come at any old time, I'll never know when I should prepare my heart...There must be rites.)
    2 comments|post comment

    I guess I'm too reasonable to fit inside the fucking chart. [17 Oct 2005|10:13pm]

    You fit in with:

    Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

    40% spiritual.
    100% reason-oriented.

    Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
    post comment

    Gators taste like chicken. [16 Oct 2005|05:35am]
    Alright, second home game day of the season, check.

    The fucking parking lot after we closed--we filled up a trash bag with litter. It was pretty disgusting. And I think someone threw up a little in the hallway by the bathrooms. I don't know. We had a wonderful crew, though, and I'm very happy things went as smoothly as they did.

    A little over 51 hours for the week.

    Man, more people should be awake at 5:30 in the morning on a Sunday. Boo.
    1 comment|post comment

    [14 Oct 2005|05:20am]
    Cane's chicken fingers + Wendy's Ceasar side salads = yummm.

    Work sucks when we don't work together, and work sucks when our relationship problems and personal resentments get in the way. Work also sucks when one worker is favored over an entire (important, heavily in need of help) section of the store because a certain manager wants to get into her pants, so to speak. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like the only person who really cares, and I hate that. I also hate that a girl who's been employed with our company for a month or two told me tonight indirectly that I was doing something improperly(when it was actually something like deciding whether to put the left shoe on before the right or vice versa). So I killed her, and there was much rejoicing.

    I'm liking everyone in my life a lot more, and I'm feeling really happy, at least when I'm not at Cane's.
    Happy, in a tragically-depressed-but-deeply-meditative sort of way.
    Happy in an I-want-to-sit-silently-grooving-to-the-deftones sort of way.

    5 comments|post comment

    Because everyone's doing it... [11 Oct 2005|02:11pm]
    My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
    tsubume goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as angel.
    _steve_o tricks you! You get a wet rag.
    bteboy gives you 17 light blue cinnamon-flavoured nuggets.
    caseycan gives you 14 mauve watermelon-flavoured wafers.
    cool4dude gives you 12 red pineapple-flavoured wafers.
    eventuallyemily gives you 6 red-orange licorice-flavoured jawbreakers.
    johnny_wonka gives you 6 mauve cherry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
    moonlesia tricks you! You get a wad of paper.
    scarshaveme gives you 7 pink evil-flavoured nuggets.
    tigerfan1387 gives you 9 mauve passionfruit-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
    tigermoose52 gives you 18 blue grapefruit-flavoured gummy bats.
    tsubume ends up with 89 pieces of candy, a wet rag, and a wad of paper.
    Go trick-or-treating! Username:
    Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.
    3 comments|post comment

    [10 Oct 2005|02:40am]
    woo, photo.Collapse )
    3 comments|post comment

    [08 Oct 2005|04:46am]
    The weather is fucking beautiful. I actually wore a sweater outside last night. Yeah.

    Goddamn, I worked all freaking day, from 11 in the morning til 4-ish. I'm at 38 hours right now, and I have two Saturday shifts, then I'm off Sunday. Woot, can't wait to see this Friday's paycheck. Haha, and woo, I can't wait til Sunday so I can spend some time being a real person.

    Jarrett paid me a visit at Cane's. What a wonderful night to be paid a visit. I felt pretty boring, though, compared to his adventures. I think I should get used to that feeling. :p I'm wearing this fucking Cane's shirt that I got exactly a year ago when I was hired, and I'm still soaked from washing dishes. I never wear the apron to wash dishes. We didn't have one at Wendy's or Taco Bell, so I pretty much enjoy getting soaked by random unknown dish liquids. And here I am ignoring strong feelings and just writing about my current physical state.

    I totally freaked out in the kitchen tonight. I don't think I've ever cried dropping bird before, and it felt very unusual. I had the ability to physically keep going after 12+ hours of work, but my emotions caved in and I needed a good screaming fit. I don't really know what's wrong with me, if anything at all is wrong with me. Maybe I just need to chill and not care so much about the world around me. And I guess I shouldn't take it as a personal attack if I'm accosted for accidentally failing to do something that I do on such a regular basis that I don't even have to think about the action anymore. I really hate being nagged about such things, though. Especially when someone just ignores all your fabulous qualities and zooms in on everything you do wrong. That's not very nice, encouraging, or professional. Aaaaaah, I care way too much about this fucking job and the events therein.

    I hope it stays this cool outside. It's heaven. (It's hello, it's love.) I'm feeling pretty much infinite right now; I think it comes with the weather.


    p.s. OMG, I'm going to go see Trapt at the Varsity on November 3rd, because I like them. You should come.

    close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by.
    there is no time to waste, asking "why?"
    I'll run away with you, by my side
    5 comments|post comment

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